While standing in the ballroom with other property leaders watching round two of the fight Saturday night, I realized I was suddenly not feeling well. I thought I had just waited too long to grab dinner (common occurrence w/me) so there was a simple solution in sight: get something to eat. I called Melvin to see if he wanted to meet me on-property for dinner (that’s one of our ways of squeezing in quality time since I work on Saturdays). While on the phone, I had started to feel worse and wanted to sit down. Cognizant, however, that I couldn’t break from “management row” (aka the assembly line of suits who stand in the back of any major event on-property), I figured the next best thing was to lean against the wall, take off my heels, and bend over propping my elbows on my knees while I rested my head on my hands (yeah, that looked a lot better than sitting down. LOL.). Suddenly, my colleague gave me the heads-up that the divisional president had just entered the ballroom. I ended the call, mustered all of the strength I could, put on my heels, and stood at attention. He made his way over and we all made small talk for a minute or two. The moment he broke from the conversation, I made a beeline out of the ballroom. I literally felt as if I was about to pass out but the only thing on my mind was “I can’t let anyone see me like this.” I was hot, faint, sweating, could barely walk, and just wanted to lie down. Alas, there were no chairs/benches to be found anywhere. I managed to stumble my way to a staircase—out of sight of anyone who mattered, of course—sat down on the steps, put my head in my lap, and tried to recover…
I wish that was the end of the story but it’s not. I ended up going to the nurse’s office but only after I was spotted (darn!) by a colleague as I tried to make my way back to my office. He saw that I didn’t look good and insisted on escorting me to medical.
Obvious question: why go through such great length to hide that I wasn’t feeling well?
Not so obvious answer: because the only thing I could think at the time was “omg, they’re going to think I’m expecting!”
Absurd. Obnoxious. Irrational. Paranoid. Self-absorbed. Etc. I know. But, that’s my truth.
Seven weeks ago, would I have thought that? Absolutely not! However, since the wedding—and all of the subsequent “children soon?” inquiries—I’ve become acutely aware of other’s expectation (assumption) that children will follow. So now that I’ve acknowledged this perception (valid or not), I would be foolish to think that sentiment/question/assumption starts and ends with just family, friends, and acquaintances. Thanks to HR guidelines, I suspect most people in the workplace won’t inquire about family plans but that doesn’t mean they don’t think about it. “What’s the big deal?” you might say. “Is there any harm?” Nope. Not at all. This is all natural and it’s a part of life (queue “The Circle of Life” from The Lion King Soundtrack. Seriously, I’m really singing that song in my head right now.). However, for me, for my current station in life, for what I would like to accomplish professionally, the entire topic just feels like a distraction. So, I’d prefer to avoid it by any means necessary. And that may mean not giving colleagues any cause for speculation… or not mentioning the words “doctor” or “appointment” for the next 12 months…or not complaining too loudly about being tired…or rushing to an inconspicuous staircase when feeling faint.
Absurd? Obnoxious? Irrational? Paranoid? Self-absorbed? Perhaps. An isolated sentiment? Based on conversations I’ve had w/other professional women, hardly.
(BTW: I do realize there are many issues at play above. Too much to unpack here so for now, just sharing what’s top of mind. As my man Jay said in “The Ruler’s Back”: “what you about to witness is my thoughts; just my thoughts man…right or wrong…just what I was feeling at the time…” queue horns. *smile*)
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