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This is Not About Me

The Journey Towards Purpose and Peace

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Impostor Syndrome Part III: 5 ‘Competence Types’ and How They Contribute to Impostor Feelings

01/20/2020 By Jacqueline No Comments

Ok, friends.  Let’s continue our exploration of the impostor syndrome.  Anchored in Valerie Young’s book The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women, we’ve covered the definition of impostor syndrome and why it might be a thing for you (and me).  In this post, we will cover five ways that our beliefs around competence contribute to this phenomenon.

Competence Types

Competence–the ability to do something successfully or efficiently–and our view of the same is integral in impostor syndrome.  People who wrestle with fraud feelings tend to have extremely high standards and unrealistic expectations for themselves. What you believe is needed in order to be viewed as talented, knowing, and effective often outpaces reality.  

In chapter six, Ms. Young explores the notion of competence and the ways in which it presents. There are five ‘competence types’–aka self-limiting beliefs regarding what it takes to be competent. The book goes into a ton of detail on each of them along with ways to address.  I’ve only included highlights in the table below (for more insight, I encourage you to pick it up!).  While you may be able to identify with more than one, there is usually a dominant archetype.

View of Competence Reframe
The Perfectionist Single focus on how something is done; there is a right and a wrong way to do everything.
  • Sometimes good is good enough
  • Your perfectionism impacts others
The Natural Genius Judge yourself based on ease and speed; expect to excel without effort.
  • Effort trumps ability
  • Real success always takes time
The Expert Primary concern is how much knowledge or skill you possess; belief you need to know everything there is to know before you feel competent.
  • There are many paths to expertise
  • You don’t need to know everything, you just need to be smart enough to find someone who does
The Rugged Individualist True competence equals solo, unaided achievement; the only achievements that count are those you reached on your own.
  • Competent people know how to ask for what they need
  • Your work does not have to be groundbreaking to be good
The Superwoman/Man Competence rests on the ability to juggle multiple roles masterfully; focus on how many things you can handle along with how well you do those things.
  • Delegating frees you and gives others the chance to participate
  • Being a Superwoman sends an unhealthy message to your daughters and son

*Adapted from The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women by Valerie Young

Where Do I Fall? 

For those who know me, I’m sure this will not be a surprise: I fall squarely into “The Perfectionist” competence type.  Hello? Ever worked on a deck with me??? Sincerest apologies, if so. And apologies in advance if that endeavor is on the horizon (I kid, I kid). 

I struggle royally with perfectionism.  Combine that with a few ‘protecting mechanisms’ discussed in chapter four–namely overpreparing, hyper diligence, and a commitment to hard work–and it’s no wonder the word “workaholic” has been used to describe me a time or two (or 10). 

Confession

The most immediate example of this is…this blog.

I sat on this blog for about five months (exhibit A: first post from September; it’s January for goodness’ sake and I still haven’t launched at time of this writing!).  If you add ideation, it’s more like five years.  As I’ve stated previously, I kept waiting for the perfect circumstances, and the perfect timing, and the perfect launch plan.  Spoiler alert: I have none of those things. Zero. And…here I am. Fueled by the learnings from this book, an overwhelming desire to serve and (finally) the courage to get out of my damn head and just start.  Where I am. 

Turning Point

As Ms. Young states: “perfectionism is a hard habit to break because it’s self-reinforcing.  Because you do overprepare, you often turn out a stellar performance, which in turn reinforces your drive to maintain that perfect record.” 

I have incredibly high expectations for the quality of my work, which has undoubtedly contributed to my success.  However, there are consequences to my doggedness; the implications of my beliefs are not isolated to me.  As a leader, my team is impacted by my expectations.  As a wife and a mom, my family is impacted by my expectations.  As a daughter/sister/aunt/friend, my entire circle is impacted by my beliefs and expectations.  When I’m hyper-focused on preparation–or on perfection–I’m not focused on something else.  Be it celebrating success, coaching, or just being present, something suffers.  

I’m happy to say that I’ve turned the corner (ok, maybe a slow turn…like say a cruise ship; but we’re turning!). I realized my quest for perfection wasn’t sustainable and something had to give.  Early days but I feel good about my reframe and the outcome, thus far, is inspiring.

Et Tu?

I encourage you to take a moment and reflect: with which of these types do you resonate?  The good news–you’re not alone. As stated before, this is all pretty common. The even better news–you can push beyond these self-limiting beliefs.  The sooner we acknowledge they exist, the sooner we can move towards realistic standards for ourselves. And when we’ve placed the goal-post in reach, we’ll have more confidence, celebrate our successes, and mitigate impostor feelings once and for all.


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Jacqueline Grace is a highly experienced operations and HR executive with more than 20 years of success leading people and operations across the financial services and hospitality industries.

She is also Queen of Crazyville (with Prince and Princess in tow) and Chief Engineer of The Hot Mess Express on a journey towards purpose--and trying to figure out how to "do life better"--while encouraging others to do the same.

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This Is Not About Me started in 2008 as a means to chronicle my wild, unlikely, and–ultimately–transformative journey as an MBA student through the Darden School of Business.  Slightly extending beyond graduation, it also documented my transition to wife and early-career casino executive all while pondering personal development, purpose, and passion.

Seven years, Five moves, seven addresses, four jobs, and two children later, we’re back! Grab a drink (or four) and venture with me through life as an executive, wife, mother, and budding fitness enthusiast tackling career, leadership, balance, and wellness—all while STILL pursuing purpose, passion, and–most importantly–peace.  Cheers!

This Is Not About Me started in 2008 as a means to chronicle my wild, unlikely, and–ultimately–transformative journey as an MBA student through the Darden School of Business.  Slightly extending beyond graduation, it also documented my transition to wife and early-career casino executive all while pondering personal development, purpose, and passion.

Seven years, Five moves, seven addresses, four jobs, and two children later, we’re back! Grab a drink (or four) and venture with me through life as an executive, wife, mother, and budding fitness enthusiast tackling career, leadership, balance, and wellness—all while STILL pursuing purpose, passion, and–most importantly–peace.  Cheers!

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🎬 Week in the Wild: Week 47 Words are starting 🎬
Week in the Wild: Week 47

Words are starting to return. Albeit slowly. A respite from the city for the holiday will help. To that end, throwing this on the grid on Thanksgiving eve and just before I flood the timeline with sights and sounds of the same (or not; we’ll see. 🤷🏾‍♀️).

Week 47 entailed a lot of people-ing (thanks @shonettehc for the term):

Baby Girl practicing steps from her West African class. Accompanied by Big Brother in all his glory (or silliness…same-same). 💃🏾🕺🏾🥰

Observation day at @sab_nyc. So proud to witness Reagan’s progress. Her focus and precision are (part of) her superpowers in general and certainly serve her well in her ballet training in particular. Love to see it. 🩰

Rando inclusion: Floral inspo for Thanksgiving centerpieces. Can’t wait to see how they turn out. Creating beautiful spaces is my happy place. Stay tuned…

Leadership team offsite. ‘25 planning. Connecting. Mini-golfing at @swingersus. You know…all the things. #work

Birthday celebration at @thelambsclub for a sister-friend with sister-friends. Magical. #foodforthesoul

Times Square. In the rain. Side note: I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been in Times Square in the last two years. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Saturday AM meal packing with the fam + 130 volunteers at The Cubs’ school for @riseagainsthunger, a global movement to end #worldhunger.

Rounding out the weekend: Brunching in Gramercy. Erranding in Midtown. Celebrating in Pelham. Sundaying in StuyTown. #allthethings

For good measure: K Dot got me through post-election day. Why not keep it going? #gnx

#weekinthewild #weekinreview #ryanandreagansworld🐻 #life #workingmomma #marriedwithchildren
After two days of off-siting, strategizing, and pl After two days of off-siting, strategizing, and planning for ‘25, it was only fitting that we gathered for food and fun and, of course, minigolf at @swingersus. Beyond grateful for this group—the hardest working senior leadership team in the biz. Full stop. #work #workhard #playhard 

#Repost @beamliving with @use.repost
・・・
Behind every great company is a strong, closely connected leadership team. That’s what we have here at Beam. Our Senior Leaders gathered this week for two days to discuss business strategy, future planning and do some team building while they were at it. Driven by innovation, integrity and a shared commitment to excellence, our leadership team has built a strong foundation that keeps all teammates aligned, motivated and focused on what matters most: our residents and communities.
🎬 Week in the Wild: Week 46 Yo, guess what? I 🎬
Week in the Wild: Week 46

Yo, guess what? I still don’t have a lot to say. 🤷🏾‍♀️ And, these days, my joy comes in the form of experiences. And The Cubs. And experiences with The Cubs.

Peak experience in Week 46? Taking The Cubs to @kingsbklyn to see Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse accompanied by a live orchestra, DJ, and percussionist. Bonus points: Ryan taking  in one of his favorite movies with his tribe. What started out as a family outing, grew to include the crew. So grateful for the same. 🙏🏾❤️

For posterity: Week 46

Pre-board meeting coffee at the most serendipitous location. Freeze dance with Two Cubs & A Pup—because don’t you play freeze dance with your dog on a random Monday??? Reagan training Cocoa. Honoring Ms. Jamison. Sunday dinner. Jamming out to GloRilla’s “TGIF” on the way home from Sunday dinner (Dad, don’t google it). 🎶💃🏾🕺🏾🤦🏾‍♀️😂

#weekinthewild #weekinreview #ryanandreagansworld🐻 #life #workingmomma #marriedwithchildren
🎬 Week in the Wild: Week 45 I (still) don’t 🎬
Week in the Wild: Week 45

I (still) don’t have much to say but I’ll leave this on the grid…with this story:

This week, Reagan taught me a lesson I’ll never forget. On Wednesday morning before leaving for school, she was in tears about the election. Later that evening, she had a sense of happiness and a pep in her step that I didn’t expect. She told me she’d gone to her “wishing well”—a place where she could give away her bad feelings and exchange them for good ones. Then, she reached into her pocket, extended her cupped hands to me, and shared with me what she took from the wishing well—“hope.” 🥹 I was moved by her optimism and resilience, but even more so, I was struck by the depth of her message. Out of the mouths of babes…

For posterity…Week 45:

11/5. 11/6. @maverickcitymusic at @barclayscenter. @theaileyschool class observations. Car Pool Karaoke: The Greatest Showman Edition. Cuddles with my girls. 👧🏾🐶Honoring Ms. Jamison, a legend. 🩰🕊️

K Dot: “I’m @&$! up, Homie you @&$! up, but if God got us then we gon’ be alright.”

Back to my corner. 😶🤲🏾📿📝

#weekinthewild #weekinreview #ryanandreagansworld🐻 #life #workingmomma #marriedwithchildren
For the grid. In honor of an amazing soul who did For the grid.

In honor of an amazing soul who did so much for dance. Her gifts changed the lives of so many—dancers and audiences alike. I am, once again, moved to tears by this loss in the dance world. However, I also know I am blessed to have been blessed by her brilliance.

#Repost @alvinailey with @use.repost
・・・
“Through dance, we’re as close to God as we’re going to get—until he calls us home.” 
- Judith Jamison 

It is with heavy hearts we share that Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater Artistic Director Emerita Judith Jamison (age 81) passed away peacefully today after a brief illness. We remember and are grateful for her artistry, humanity and incredible light, which inspired us all. 

Ms. Jamison joined Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater in 1965 and quickly became an international star. Over the next 15 years (1965-1980), Alvin Ailey created some of his most enduring roles for her, most notably the tour-de-force solo Cry. After dancing for Mr. Ailey, she went on to star on Broadway, appeared as a guest artist with ballet companies all over the world, and formed her own company, The Jamison Project. In 1989, Mr. Ailey asked her to return to Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater and succeed him as Artistic Director. During her leadership (1989-2011), she took the Company to unprecedented heights—including two historic engagements in South Africa and a 50-city global tour that celebrated the Company’s 50th anniversary. In 2005 her idea of a permanent home for the Ailey organization was realized with the opening of The Joan Weill Center for Dance, named after beloved Chairman Emerita Joan Weill. 

Sending heartfelt condolences and love to all. 

(Continued in the comments).
Election Day 2024. THE most consequential electio Election Day 2024.

THE most consequential election of our lifetime.

I went to bed on the eve after midnight. In tears. Simultaneously excited and anxious. Mostly anxious. 🤗😥

I woke up energized by The Cubs’ enthusiasm to vote. They woke up on their own. At 6a. 👧🏾👦🏾❤️

I’ve spent all day adequately and deliberately distracted. #work

After only 20 mins of post-work TV time, I couldn’t deal. I traded election coverage for SpongeBob SquarePants. #ryanandreagansworld🐻 

Now The Cubs are in bed. So this reel was my distraction. For a hot minute. Now it is done. #whatsnext

#election2024 #forposterity
🎬 Week in the Wild: Week 44 #44 out on a Monda 🎬
Week in the Wild: Week 44

#44 out on a Monday. Because I can’t trust my ability to formulate sentences the rest of this week. #november5

What’s on my mind today is the thing that’s on everyone’s mind: the election. THE most consequential election of our lifetime. I am overwhelmed with emotions and know that I will be even more so once the results are known—either way.

So, for now, all I will say is vote. And make sure everyone you know votes. #gotv

For posterity…Week 44:

👦🏾 Healing: Ryan returned to school, and taekwondo AND completed his belt test while still recovering from pneumonia. #grit

👻 Halloween: Beam won…as we always do. Bonus points: Clue-themed executive team costumes with live pumpkin murder mystery to boot. #workhardplayhard

🛤️ High Line and Hudson Yards: Taking advantage of the warm weather to extend running these NYC streets. Peeped the pigeon and the Vessel. Enjoyed dinner at @queensyardnyc. Random stops at @mujiusa @uniqlousa and @dylanscandybar for good measure.

🙏🏾 Hope: Final @winwithblackwomen zoom before the election. I was one of the 44K on 7/21 when this moment in history began, so it was only fitting to join the final one. Reagan watched the beginning with me. Madame VP @kamalaharris joined by phone from the tarmac as she continues her grueling push to the finish line. Reagan’s eyes widened when she heard her voice and said “Mom, is that really her???” with the excitement of a little, brown, 8-year-old girl full of hope and awe. There were tears. Mine. 🥹

We are our ancestors wildest dreams.

Check on your girl post-election. Check. On. Your. Girl.

#weekinthewild #weekinreview #ryanandreagansworld🐻 #life #workingmomma #marriedwithchildren
🎬 Week in the Wild: Week 43 We are going to ig 🎬
Week in the Wild: Week 43

We are going to ignore that we are at the tail end of week 44 irl and 43 is just getting posted. But also, that’s real life. 🤷🏾‍♀️

You know what else is real life?

Baby boy getting diagnosed with pneumonia while mom was in Chicago for ‘25 plan meetings. 👦🏾🤒 It has been a rough two weeks but he’s on the mend now. 🙌🏾

Random sightings from the week:

🐶 Halloween Dog Days at @stuytown
🪡 Acupuncture at @oraspace
🎃 Pumpkin Patch
🩰 American Ballet Theatre at @lincolncenter

Actually. Edit: Random sightings from Sunday. All of that was in one day.

While packed. It was intentional. Trying to provide experiences for The Cubs while also prioritizing the pursuit of peace for me.

More to come. For now, off to Reagan’s dance class…

Happy Saturday!

#weekinthewild #weekinreview #ryanandreagansworld🐻 #life #workingmomma #marriedwithchildren
Halloween By Day Beam wins Halloween. Every year. Halloween By Day

Beam wins Halloween. Every year. Period. #work

What we do is serious but we don’t take ourselves seriously. Clearly. Have you seen us??

Executive Leadership Team Clue themed ‘fits were supported with a live (pumpkin) murder mystery. #mrspeacockdidit

Pumpkin decorating and Halloween costume contests were the icing on the cake. Best in the biz. #funatwork #makingmemories 

Halloween By Night

Post-dance class. UWS crawl. Was an entire scene. In only the way NYC can do Halloween. The Cubs held their own in the mayhem for a little bit. Then we dipped to dinner at @cafefiorellonyc because…they had enough of the shenanigans and wanted to return to civilization. 😂

Oh what a night.

#work #workingmomma #halloween #scene
🎬 Week in the Wild: Week 42 Quick turn from #4 🎬
Week in the Wild: Week 42

Quick turn from #41. What? Who dis? 🤷🏾‍♀️

Brief week. #thankyouchris

Starting with travel home from the shore with my lone passenger—The Pup in all her glory. 🐶 #cocoa

Did you know fresh flowers make me happy? For this concrete jungle, tenement dweller, I’m not quite sure when that happened but here we are…loving nature and God’s creation. 🌻

Sights of the season seen around @stuytown. 🎃 #pumpkinpickmeup

Grapevining through Gramercy. A Reagan is gonna Reagan. 👧🏾💃🏾

Visit from friends-who-became-family was a highlight of the week. ❤️ #framily

Another highlight? Watching the @nyliberty bring New York its first basketball championship in 51 years. It was magical. Only thing better? Watching Reagan witness history…and seeing what happens when you invest in women.🗽🏀🎉 #everyonewatcheswomenssports 

Work travel this week. Have a good one, friends!

#weekinthewild #weekinreview #ryanandreagansworld🐻 #life #workingmomma #marriedwithchildren
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